Astra – @astrakhan:

Hey, sweetie. I really do hope this letter finds you in a good place. I’m so sorry I haven’t been keeping up as much as I should be. Things have been busy between class and, well, other stuff. I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I love you, and this relationship means a lot to me. I want it to work, I truly do. There’s just so much going on, and it’s a lot to think about. I hope you understand.

I know I’ve complained about classes before, that’s nothing new. This isn’t just about classes, though. This goes deeper than that. I know, it’s personal, and I shouldn’t be speaking so freely about these things. Especially when I know you worry about us. But Sophie’s been hard to work with lately. I know we talk about being the best of friends – like sisters. I’m sure everyone thinks we get along just fine. But it’s more complicated than that, and I need you to understand.

For a while, I thought I could handle it. Yeah, we had our differences, but who doesn’t? I’m sure you know what I mean. You don’t get along with all your friends all the time, sure. Probably not your roommate either. Maybe not even with me…and I bet there are issues between you and Sophie too. What mattered was that she and I were in the same boat, and we’d grow close to each other through the years we spent at college.

I tried to deal with it as best I could. I didn’t want to make a fuss about it. It wouldn’t be fair to her. But we realized that we had our differences even from the day we were matched at our apartment.

Well, that weekend to be more specific. She wanted to go out drinking with the other girls, I just wanted to take some time to myself after my first week of college. Honestly, I couldn’t believe that she had the energy in her to do that. I’m sorry, but spending a rough week of classes and immediately going out and getting hammered doesn’t sound like fun to me. And I didn’t want to risk getting behind in my classes, too. You know how much this means to me, and I don’t want my grades to slip. Especially once I started working at the cafe, you know? I know, it’s not the most thinking of jobs, but I still want to keep up a good look, right? If my grades started slipping, the people at the cafe would worry about me. I might not be able to keep this up. Besides, if I had the time, I wanted to do…something. Not just waste my time.

I’m sorry. I’m rambling. I’m getting ahead of myself.

What I mean is…things have always been a little bit rocky between us. Even at the best of times. I know you’re being hard on yourself for what happened, but trust me, it really wasn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. You already have so much to worry about and I don’t want to put that burden on you.

Anyway, what was I saying? I just mean that…she’s been an issue before. This is just private between us, but has she ever been a problem for you? I know she likes to stay up late, go to parties, and I don’t want to spread gossip, but I know that her grades have suffered for it. I’ve tried to point that out to her, time and time again, but she insists that it’s the classes that are too hard. I mean, you know me, you’ve seen the awards I’ve gotten. You know I can do it. She just…doesn’t try. And it’s frustrating. I’ve tried to help her, but it’s almost like she doesn’t want it.

And please, don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want to sound like one of those girls, you know. But she’s always playing hard to get. I’ve seen the way she acts, the way she dresses. She seems really close with all the boys too, not just you. I wonder if that’s the reason she went after you, even when she should have known we were together. Like, I have to wonder if it’s really as serious as you think it is. If it’s going to last.

I know I’m just making excuses. You already know what happened last week. What I did was wrong, and I know that. I should have known that, but in that moment it just…felt so right. I feel so bad about it. But right then, confronting her when we found out we were both dating you, to feel my fingers against her face, the tug of her hair in my fingers, the way our bodies came crashing into one another. Even hearing her scream. It…got me going. Like everything that had ever happened between us, all the times she got on my nerves, was coming to the surface, and I finally got to do something about it. Like I got to do what I always wished I could. I felt…powerful. I’d never done anything like that before. Not to her, not to anyone. But it all came so natural.

After the fight, I was afraid I had that in me. I was also afraid that there was that part in me that wanted to do it again. Even though I told her that I wouldn’t, that we were like sisters, that it would be okay. Even when I promised that to you, too. I already knew I was lying.

Sophie:

Hey sweetheart.  I hope you don’t get mad at me, but there’s something I wanted to tell you. I know that ever since Astra and I found out we were both dating you, you made us promise to get along, be friends, sisters even.  Just like we always had for our years rooming together.  But, as you no doubt know by now, that didn’t end up happening.  I wanted to write this letter to you to explain just what happened between Astra and me last week.  I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but you have a right to know what your two girlfriends did to each other.

You have to understand, it was complicated between Astra and me, even before you came along.  Sure, we were roommates, friends, everyone thought we were as close as could be.  And that’s probably true.  But it’s never quite that simple, at least between girls.  We’re…competitive, even with our friends.  You ever notice that you never see two really beautiful girls as friends?  There’s always one slightly prettier than the other.  Well, I think in our long friendship there was always a little tension to see who that was between us…not just for looks, but for friends, grades, success in life.  As time went on I realized that she was spending more and more time at home, even on weekends, studying and working.  And as she got award after award, she always made sure to tell me, to make some “friendly” belittling remark about my own career progression.  That’s how much she cared about success, and how little she cared about our friendship.  I don’t know, and it’s none of my business, but do you ever feel that about her?  Like you’re a fun distraction, but what she really cares about are her grades and her career, and she’ll drop you at the first sign of trouble.  Never mind, forget I said anything, that’s between the two of you.

But what I was saying was, don’t feel bad about you causing the tension between the two of us, darling.  Not, of course, that you helped matters.  You remember when I told you about the fight she and I had when we first found out we were both dating you?  That was the first time I’d ever fought another girl, and it’s not something I’m proud of, but I know you liked to hear all about it, even as you acted horrified that we could do something like that over you.  And yeah, you made us swear never to fight again, to share you.  But that’s such a male way of thinking, saying there’s plenty of you to go around, why can’t we all just get along.  Us women think about things differently.  We don’t like to share.  As much as Astra and I disagree about…even when we were fighting each other with our teeth and nails…she and I agreed on that one thing.  And in this case, sweetheart, us women are going to get our way.

In the end, it was a little bit your fault what happened, dear.  It was your idea to invite us over for movie night, just the three of us.  For a while it was wonderful.  Me sitting to your left, Astra safely concealed on your right, it felt comfortable, almost like I had you all to myself.  And so I wrapped my arm around your broad shoulders, wanting to feel the warmth and strength of your body.  And then something awful happened.  I felt the smooth skin of her arm against mine, as she wrapped it around your back.

I don’t know if you noticed me tense up, then.  In an instant the spell was broken, and I felt lonely and sad and…resentful. Angry. I pulled away from you, and that was the first time you noticed that all wasn’t well in our little triangle.

Astra:

I just hope you can forgive me. I’m not proud of what happened, or how I felt about it. But it has to be said. You deserve to know.

Well, I know you already know what happened at your place. That, I’m sorry about. I mean, it wasn’t all my fault. Sophie was the one who had to butt in and make this about her. I really thought it could work. I tried my best. But she’s just unbearable sometimes! You’ve noticed that, right? How she takes everything so personally, even when it’s not?

I was really liking the movie, too. Even better when it was with you. When you’re around, it makes me feel safe, like I don’t have anything to worry about. I wanted that moment to last forever. In that moment…it almost felt like she wasn’t there.

But of course, she was. She’d quieted down for once. I was actually able to tune her out too…up until I felt her arm.

I went tense. It shook me. In that moment, our private moment, that special, peaceful silence for just us two, was broken. I was reminded that there was someone else there. Someone who shouldn’t have been there.

I tried to distract myself. I tried to focus on the movie, and on your company. What made this all worth it.

But I couldn’t. The damage had been done.

I remember what happened like it was yesterday. I know everyone says that, but in this case, believe me, I really did. I’m sure you do too. I know you wouldn’t be able to forget that night either. Some people would call you lucky, you know. Two gorgeous girls willing to fight over you. I know you say you don’t feel that way, but…just know that I did everything for you, all right?

As soon as I felt Sophie’s arm, her skin on mine, I had to pull away. It wasn’t anything you did, dear. Really, it wasn’t. Don’t worry about it. Part of it was me, I’ll admit. What happened in our room made me feel bolder about what I could get away with…but mostly, it was her.

And then you noticed how upset I was and thoughtfully brought me a drink.  That’s why I didn’t want that drink you offered me – see, ordinarily, I’d be happy to, but there was a bad taste in my mouth. I’m sure it would have gone away in time, anyway. Sophie, though, she jumped down your throat at that. She was just kissing up to you, I’m sure. She wanted me to look like the stuck-up one who didn’t want anything to do with you. She’s always trying to make me look bad! I’m sure she’s told you all kinds of things that aren’t true!

Hell, I bet she’s probably told you that when I spilled that drink on her I did it on purpose. She definitely acted like I did. It was an honest mistake! I know when people are close together, especially as close as I was to you, that things can get bumped. But she couldn’t take no for an answer, could she?  

No! I’ll tell you what was on purpose, when she threw the rest of the glass on me! I just want you to know, dear, that nice white button-up I wore that night, with the black skirt and the tights? I wanted this to be special, and I wanted to look nice for you. But she couldn’t leave well enough alone!

That’s when I started getting mad. Maybe I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve, I admit that, but she went too far! She didn’t even deny it! She said it was like I was seeing you on purpose – like that wasn’t part of the plan that she herself made, that we agreed on! But she was going to try to kick me out, right then! That made me so angry, my love, forgive me. I know I’m getting caught up in this now, but just thinking about the nerve of her, it gets me going. I know I promised I wouldn’t get upset, but she makes it so hard!

Sophie:

It was childish of me to throw the drink at her, I admit it.  But you know that she spilled it on me on purpose – you were there, you saw it. There was no way that it was an accident.  So there was no way I’d let her get away with that.  

Well, you know what happened next.  We screamed at each other, nose to nose, for what felt like an eternity.  I couldn’t stand how she was trying to ruin our relationship.  She couldn’t stand me being happy, even as imperfect as our arrangement was, and she had to butt in to try to destroy what she couldn’t have herself.

You tried to calm us down, and separated us when we started grabbing each other’s forearms and struggling.  You told us that you only wanted to date us if we were going to be friends, and if we couldn’t get along with each other, you would leave us both.  I know you didn’t mean that, darling, it was just something you had to say to try to calm us down, and I respect that.  But even as we hugged each other and promised to play nice, I knew that we weren’t done with each other, not that night.

Astra:

I’ll tell you one thing. When you tried to break the two of us apart, and told us that you’d leave if we couldn’t cooperate, my heart practically stopped. I couldn’t believe that Sophie came this close to ruining what we had. If it weren’t for her, none of this would have happened! I’ll admit, I shouldn’t have acted the way I did either. But after that first night we came to blows, it just seemed so much easier. I guess it just felt so…natural, that if she got in my face I would get back in hers, and I’d make her sorry…I should be working on that, I know.

But it wasn’t like she was making things any easier. I tried my best to be nice about it. I put on my best happy face and sat back at your side, acting like nothing was wrong. But none of us believed that. Even as I tried to watch the movie, I kept watching Sophie out of the corner of my eye. I saw the way she was looking at you. Even when she started to rest her hand on your thigh, like she was laying claim to you. That made me sick. I sucked in a breath and tried to look away, but she didn’t make it easy. I wanted so badly to say something. But you mean too much to me to risk it, dearest. I told myself I could put up with her as long as it was for you.

For a while, I actually managed to forget about her for a few short moments. I lost track of the time, but I could actually take a breath, let myself rest against you, my head on your shoulder. Like it was meant to be. I’m sure she knew, of course. I’m sure she was sneaking in her little shoulder rubs and slipping her arm around yours, like she kept doing that night. I bet she thought I wasn’t looking. She always goes behind my back like that, sweetheart. I don’t know what her problem is, we just live together!

You know, she never shuts up either! Just like she wouldn’t shut up during the movie! You saw that! Remember the big romantic kiss scene? When I watched that, it had my full attention. I leaned in close, just getting myself lost in that scene. I know this is gonna sound corny, but…I wanted to imagine that was us. But just then, she had to open her mouth again and talk about how much she loved moments like this. Can you believe that? They don’t let you talk in movie theaters, so she should at least have some decency! God, she does that when I’m trying to study all the time too, it’s the worst!

I was just trying to be polite when I told her to keep it down, but of course, she insisted I was singling her out. I’d do that to you too, dear, if you talked during a movie, except you didn’t, because you actually care about the people watching it with you. Even if one of them couldn’t care less about you.

Sophie:

I wonder what it was like sitting between us, darling.  After what just happened I needed some comfort, and it felt so good to lay a hand on your thigh and just think about the two of us, as though we were in our little world.  But I would bet anything that Astra was playing the game too, getting in little affectionate squeezes and nudges.  What was it like to sit between us two girls like that?  Flattering, to be the object of such competition?  Uncomfortable, not knowing how to keep us from going at each other?  Maybe a little of both?

And she had to get her little comments in, too, shushing me whenever I tried to speak to you – as though I had asked for her opinion at all!  Watching a movie together is a shared experience and I wanted to know everything you were thinking as you watched the couple on screen.  Imagining, of course, that it was the two of us the whole while.

But I stifled my impulse to get into another sniping match with her, as much as I wanted to.  I didn’t want to risk our relationship – you may not have meant your words about leaving us, but I couldn’t bear taking that chance.  So I held my peace, until the movie was over and we turned the lights back on.  I wondered what would happen, then, would we stay the night, or would you have us go back home?  Or would you have decided on one of us to stay with you?

Astra:

Eventually, the movie ended. I breathed a sigh of relief when it did. I enjoyed it, don’t get me wrong, and I enjoyed being with you even more. But everything between me and Sophie was just getting so…tiresome. I didn’t want to have her keep reminding me she was there, getting in the way of the two of us having each other to ourselves and getting to enjoy this moment the way it was meant to be. I didn’t want her to keep getting on my case about every little thing, seeing things that weren’t there. She does that at home, don’t get me wrong, but this was definitely not the time I needed to deal with that. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be spiteful…I just was trying my best to enjoy myself that night.

I made sure to thank you for having us over, and I really am grateful. It means a lot, and I’m sorry she had to make herself a problem. I even offered to help clean up, you know. Of course, she had to act like I was kissing up to you, as if I’m not picking up her messes all the time at home. But I figured we’d finally have each other out of our hair…up until I checked the window.

You know, I checked the weather and everything. I wanted to make sure the date would work. I know it’s out of my control, but I’m so sorry it snowed that night. The weather report didn’t say anything about it. All I can say for sure is that when I flicked on the outside lights and saw a raging blizzard outside, I froze. I was worried everything we worked for, in making this a success, was going to be ruined.

I have to thank you, too, for inviting us to stay the night. My car probably wouldn’t have been able to handle the drive at that point, so it was really thoughtful of you. You even offered to show us to your room. It had been a crazy last few hours for me, and I was just looking forward to finally getting off my feet, so of course I was going to jump at the offer. I probably should have known better about how Sophie was going to take that…

Sophie:

You’ve dated Astra for a couple months, but I lived with her for years. And during that time I’ve gotten to know her better than almost anyone.  So when she was falling over herself to thank you for having us over offering to help clean up – yeah, maybe part of that was real. She’s not a bad person, in her own way. But it was also a bit of an act.  The fact that she could go from spiteful and resentful to all smiles in no time flat is no small part of why she’s able to get ahead in classes.  I realized that after living with her for a few months.  I hope by now you already knew that about her.

I’ll be honest, I was shocked to see that it snowed so much by the time we were done.  I was expecting that we’d drive home together, not talking to each other even after we arrived home.  But when Astra said she could try to drive home, you told us to stay at your place, even offered us your bedroom while you slept on the couch.  You know, you can be a real sweetheart sometimes, which is why I guess I put up with Astra hanging around you.

She, of course, immediately thought that you were offering her the bedroom, and immediately asked “So where should Sophie sleep, on the recliner?”  Classic Astra move, trying to twist your words to try to exclude me without being obvious about it.

To be honest, dear, I’m not such a delicate flower.  I could easily have slept on the recliner, or even on the rug.  But I wasn’t going to let her do that to me. It’s one thing to share and be nice when we’re living in our tiny apartment, but I wasn’t going to let her manipulate your feelings like that.  I walked up to her and raised an eyebrow, and said “I’ll take the bed, since he offered it.  You can join me or sleep outside, your call.”  We stared at each other for a long while, slowly walking towards each other.  Yeah, I know I should really control my temper better.  I know it’s not easy to be there in the room with two girls looking for any excuse to pounce on each other.  But something about Astra just pushed all my buttons, and after our first fight, the idea of escalating, to needle her and push back and bump up against her seems more and more normal.  And you’ve got to admit that she provoked me here.

You got between us and told us to share your bed (did you realize the innuendo there, you sly dog?) while you took the couch.  I thanked you and started getting ready for bed, taking off my ruined dress, tucking myself in in my underwear.  Astra followed behind me in a huff, but we turned out the lights and tried to get comfortable.

It’s funny, this was far from the first time we’ve shared a bed together, and in our Europe trip the beds were even more cramped than yours.  But things were different between us then, and the brush of arms and legs, of feeling Astra’s warmth and breathing besides me, was comforting, back then, two girls lost in strange hostels abroad.  Not so now.  I rolled myself to the farthest edge of the bed from her and tried to ignore her, to fall asleep.  But in the end, neither of us got any sleep that night.

Astra:

I really have to thank you for your offer to give us the bed. It’s very generous and caring of you, like you always are, and that’s what I like about you. I just wish Sophie would understand that. I mean, she wanted the whole bed for herself! I know it’s childish, but I couldn’t help but get a little upset about that. Thinking back, I probably should have stayed outside with you. Hell, I’d sleep on the floor if I had to; at least I’d get to stay the night with you. Deep down, I was hoping I’d get to have that. Sophie had to get in the way, of course.

It took some time to think on it. I’ll admit it was a hasty decision, but I agreed to stay the night with her. After having to put up with her all evening, you deserved some peace and quiet.

I followed her into the room to get changed, and getting out of that sticky dress shirt was a relief. Not just that it was uncomfortable, but because it reminded me of how she couldn’t let me have an evening in peace.

I was a little bit disappointed, though – I know this is embarrassing, and I don’t mean to brag, but I had on that little black set you got me for Valentine’s. I say this because I wanted you to be able to see that, just in case. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Anyway…we got into the bed and shut off the lights. For a while, though, I laid there, just staring at the wall. I couldn’t fall asleep. Too much was on my mind, and I couldn’t just put it aside. But as the night went on, and it grew harder to stay awake, I tried to settle down. Of course, you know already that with us, things are never that easy.

I don’t know what was up with Sophie, but she just couldn’t keep still. She doesn’t normally toss and turn this much in her sleep, so I don’t know what her problem was. It didn’t help that the bed really wasn’t big enough for us two, especially when she hogs the blankets. I didn’t want to make too much noise that late at night, but I had to say something. “Keep it down,” I whispered to her. Maybe it came out a little harsh, but after everything, I really just wanted to go to bed and be done with it.

“What?” she snapped back at me.

“You heard me! Keep it down! I’m trying to sleep,” I groaned.

“So am I, and you’re not helping,” Sophie whispered back.

Great. I knew she was going to try and make this about her again. “Me? You’re the one who can’t stay still. What’s your problem?”

“You’re the one tossing and turning,” she hissed back. “I’m trying to get some sleep and you just. Won’t. Stop!”

I let out a louder sigh than I probably should’ve, but she was really testing my patience at this point. “I am not! I was just trying to sleep, and you’re the one who keeps bumping me!”

I felt her roll over and face me.  “Astra,” she said, in a low voice. “Do you really want to do this now?”

I rolled my eyes as I looked back at her. “No, but you’re not making it easy.” With another sigh, I could feel all the little annoyances from that night coming back up – and maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but half-asleep and groggy as I was, it was really starting to grate on me.

“I’m not making it easy?” she said. “I’m not the one who started throwing drinks around!”

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed, having to remind myself not to get too loud. “Will you let that go? It was an accident! What wasn’t was when you did it to me!”

She scoffed. “That Little Miss Innocent act may work on him, but not on me, Astra. We both know you did it on purpose.”

I groaned. I didn’t even want to argue with her any more. “And when you kept trying to make me look bad, Sophie? I only offered to help clean up because it’s the nice thing to do, you know. Not everything is a ploy to get in his pants. Not the way I see things, anyway.”

Sophie propped her head up on her elbow as she fixed me with a stare.  “What’s that supposed to mean, Astra?”

Of course she had to try and instigate this. I just wanted to go to bed. This really wasn’t the time. I rolled back onto the bed, pulling the pillow up to try and block her. “Just go to bed, Sophie. If we knew you’d do this we wouldn’t have invited you.”

I could feel her breathe hard with sudden anger, even though she tried to keep her voice level.  “We?” she said.  “He invited us, in case you forgot.  Until you tried to ruin things tonight.  I wish you stayed at home, then none of this would have happened!”

I slapped the covers as I looked back up at her. This was too much. “For the last time, I didn’t! Oh my god! You know why I came, Sophie? Because I really wanted to make this work! And you had to shove yourself in the middle of it again…”

Sophie:

I couldn’t believe what Astra was doing.  After everything that happened, all I wanted to do was to get a quiet night’s sleep.  I was too tired to think about tomorrow, too tired to think about what happened tonight.  But after all this, Astra couldn’t leave me alone.  I should have held my temper better, I know. But…what would you do, sweetheart?  What would you do if some other guy was trying to butt in between us, and worse, had the nerve to say that you were the one butting in?  I know you, despite everything you tell Astra and me, you would fight for me, for our relationship.

“He invited me here, as a guest,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to leave.”

Of course, Astra had to take that the wrong way. “You’re going to throw me out in the snow? Okay, sure. That’s so kind of you, Sophie, really.”

I couldn’t believe the way she was twisting my words.  “Oh my God, Astra! That’s not what I mean and you know it!”

She didn’t even listen to me, either! “If I’m going, you’re going to drive me back,” she said. “I’m not driving in this weather.”

“What? And what do I say to him, then?”

“I don’t know! Maybe it’d be easier if you just stopped trying to make this work, because it obviously can’t!”

I gave an exasperated sigh.  “Of all the self-centered things I’ve heard you say…you try to ruin my evening and now you’re blaming me for this relationship not working?”

“You know what, Sophie?” Astra sat up in bed, her tone growing increasingly frustrated. “Yeah, I am! If you knew I was already seeing him, and you just left well enough alone, this wouldn’t have happened. But you couldn’t be satisfied with all those other guys you were sleeping with anyway, huh?” 

As she sat up I could see, dimly in the darkness, the black lacy bra that she wore, not too dissimilar from the delicate red bra I was wearing.  I so wanted to look good for you, honey.  I guess we both had the same idea, that the night might go well.  Well, that didn’t happen, for either of us.  And as angry as I was at not getting to enjoy a night with you alone, I could at least take some satisfaction that Astra wasn’t getting one, either.

And I so wanted to take Astra apart – all her insinuations and lies about me. She always was jealous about how I had friends who wanted to go out when she was cooped up studying, but now I see how she was using that to paint me in the worst possible light.  Did she drop little hints with you, dear?  If she did, I will get her back for it, I swear.

I sat up, all thoughts of sleep gone in my rage.  “Astra, you know that’s a lie.  You’d better take that back.”

She leaned in closer to me, eyes locked on mine. No matter what I did, she wouldn’t budge. “I’m just saying. You want to tell me you had any other reason for why you’d come back drunk at 2 in the morning the night before an exam?”

“Just because you don’t have any friends to party with, you just want to assume the worst about me?  You’re unbelievable Astra!”

“Forgive me for actually taking college seriously!” She rolled her eyes, like she was talking down to me.

“Yeah, you’re taking college so seriously, but you still have enough free time to try to ruin my relationship with him?”

“You mean my relationship with him?” she cut back.

I could tell in that moment she wasn’t going to back down.  I leaned forward, glaring back at her in the dim moonlight.

“I mean my relationship with him,” I said deliberately.

Astra crossed her arms, still staring dead in my eyes. “It’s only going to be so long before he realizes what a petty, obnoxious bitch you are and leaves!”

I gasped in anger. “You take that back, Astra!”

“I said what I said!” she snapped.

I took a deep breath. “Okay, you’re right. This little arrangement isn’t working.  There is no way I’m going to keep sharing him with a selfish, conceited bitch like you!”

“You-!” She gasped, looking back at me with wide eyes. Even in the darkness, I could see the anger on her face so clearly. “That’s it! That’s fucking it! Get out, right now!”

I leaned forward until our noses were almost touching.  “Why don’t you try to make me?”

Astra:

I’m sorry. I know I could’ve handled this way better, and I’m not going to claim I couldn’t. But everything she was doing was pushing me closer and closer to the edge. The pushing was just the start of it. The fact she wouldn’t shut up only made it worse. When she sat up, and I could see that red bra she was wearing, I almost gagged. I knew she was a shameless slut already, but come on. When she said things weren’t working, I’ll admit, that was the smartest thing I heard from her that night. But when she said I was the one who had to leave? That was too far.

I don’t know when this whole thing started with you two. Sophie tells me it was months, but frankly I find that hard to believe. She latches onto anyone she thinks would be fun, and she’ll just forget about them after a few fucks. You know that, right? What I’m getting at is…we had this first. We’re going to have it for longer, too. If anyone has to go, it’s her.

But if I know anything else about Sophie, it’s how stubborn she is, and how much she can’t take no for an answer.

In some ways, I’m actually grateful she said “make me”. It gave me a reason to let out everything I felt about her. Was it the wrong idea? Sure. But she asked for it. Don’t let her tell you otherwise.

“Fine!” I snapped back. “I fucking will!” That’s when I threw myself at her, shoving as hard as I could at her shoulders. If I had to push her straight off the bed, I would.

She went back a little bit before she steadied herself. With how the blankets were tangling around us, it would be hard to move.

“Bitch,” she hissed, “You get out!  You’re fucking done!”  She shoved me back by my shoulders roughly, and I stumbled back a bit before regaining my balance.

“Let go!!” I hissed through my clenched teeth at her. Both of our hands grasped at each other’s shoulders, and I squealed and winced as I felt her nails dig into my skin. “Ow! Bitch!” Doing my best to fight her, I shook her back and forth. I wouldn’t let go of my hold on her, not for anything.

“Shut up,” she hissed at me.  “You want him to wake up?”  For a moment we stopped struggling, realizing where we were, how we promised you that we would never fight again.  But I felt her nails start digging again at my slender arms, and I clenched my teeth, bit back a moan, and dug my nails in hers.  She never knew when to leave well enough alone, but I was done backing down from her.

The pain was making that hard. But I had to bear it. I couldn’t let her get one over on me, and there was no way we were going to let things go unsettled after this. I just needed to be quiet about it. Scratching at her arms, I worked my hands further down, going to rake my nails across her back. I let one hand go from her shoulder, but I would just hit her harder to make up for it.

I wish I hadn’t taken off my shirt.  She went after me with her nails, scratching my arms and back, and what I wore offered me no protection.  All I could do was return the favor, hearing her stifled gasps as I scored her smooth skin.

With one hand still buried in the flesh of her back, I went up to grab her hair with the other, pulling it down and to the side. There was something in me that awoke just then, feeling her body twist toward the bed as she stifled a scream. I would never admit it, not even to myself most days, but it felt so good to know I was hurting her.

Sophie:

Part of me still couldn’t believe what was happening.  Minutes ago, I was just hoping to get a quiet night’s rest.  But now all of a sudden Astra and I were engaged in a vicious catfight.  And as far as I could tell, she was winning.  I stifled a scream as she slung my head around by the hair, hissed “bitch!”  Disoriented, I reached out to grab at her, any part of her, to stabilize myself, and found myself with a handful of her flowing blonde hair.  I tightened my grip and hung on for all I was worth, burying my other hand in her hair and pulling straight down.

She actually screamed then. I got a rise out of her there, dear. But there was no time to feel smug about it. She bent back in my hands, her body arched, but she held her tongue, remembering the threat of waking you. As she winced, clenching her teeth, she reached for another handful of my hair, pulling it down hard. We were locked in a double-fisted hairpulling contest now, and as she leaned back further, we both went down on the bed.

This was totally different from our first fight.  That fight was wild, breathless, with neither of us knowing what to do and trying anything that could work.  But this hairpulling contest was slow and deliberate, almost a duel. Even as we fell to the bed we kept our holds on each other’s hair, and rolled towards each other, legs curling around each other until we were locked together face to face.  Glaring at each other, we tore and pulled, systematically and deliberately pulling out strands of each other’s hair.  The only sound was the pop, pop, pop of hair coming loose in each other’s hands, our pained breathing, and the occasional hissed “bitch!” when I was able to pull out a tuft of that wavy blonde hair she’s so proud of.

I will have you know one thing, darling. Astra was the first one to break from our little duel. I don’t know if the pain got to be too much for her, or if she was getting desperate, but she broke one hand away from my hair and slapped me clean across the face. For a moment, it stung, and I was still. I should have reacted. If I did, maybe I could’ve stopped what happened next – as she dug her nails into my cheeks, scratching at my face.

I did scream then. I cut myself off, but the pain in my cheek was so intense that I just couldn’t help myself.

Astra:

I know a lot of guys are into Asian girls. I’m not sure if anyone knows why – but if you ask me, I’d say the hair is a big part of it. I felt that silky black hair between my fingers, wrapping it tight in my grasp. But there was no time to think about that now – I hated her too much, at that one moment, to bother. The two of us tugged back and forth, both of us holding our breath but still hanging tightly to one another. I wanted to groan, I wanted to hiss in pain, but I knew I couldn’t make a sound. The fact that she was forcing me to be silent, even at the time I most wanted to cry out, just made me angrier.

I can’t tell you for sure how long we pulled at each other’s hair, ripping at one another’s scalps. But eventually, I couldn’t take the pain in my scalp any more. In desperation I broke my hand away and grabbed for her face instead. I heard her scream, and I could feel my heart beating faster in my chest. Even if I knew it was dangerous, knowing that I was making her hurt – that I was making her regret getting us into this – was vindicating.

We turned over on the bed, our legs tangling. I could feel her smooth skin against mine as we kicked and thrashed, both of us panting and groaning. The blanket slipped out from between us in our struggle, and with it came freedom – freedom for me to kick at her legs, netting a few yelps from her before I turned over and pinned her down. I laid on top of her on the bed, our faces barely inches from each others’. We could feel all of our pants and breaths against our skin, but we weren’t going to slow down. My instincts were running wild. I had to hurt her even more than she could ever hurt me.

I know this is going to sound weird, sweetheart, so please don’t get the wrong idea. But as I pushed myself up on top of her, I grabbed for those full, round breasts of hers. I felt the soft, warm, doughy feeling of her boobs beneath my fingers. But I grit my teeth and sank my nails into them deeper. I knew how much it would hurt, and I wanted her to feel every bit of it.

Sophie:

We kicked at each other frantically as we struggled for position on the bed, but my heart sank as she was able to get on top of me.  When she sank her nails into my breasts, even with what little protection my bra afforded, I had to bite back a cry, and all I could do was reach up and try to scratch at her pale cheeks, that smooth skin that makes her so effortlessly pretty.  I squeezed my eyes shut from the pain and just try to endure, to hurt Astra more than she was hurting me.

I could tell how much she wanted to scream. She had to suck a breath back in, holding it there in her lungs. I could tell how much it hurt her, and I could feel how tense her muscles were against mine. But she wouldn’t let me get away with hurting her at this point. It just made her angrier, and she was finding new ways to get back at me. As she bent backward, slipping back from me and latching onto my breasts for dear life, she kicked with her leg, raking her toenails along my thigh. She was driven to the brink, and she had to go to whole new lengths.

I squirmed under her as her toenails scratched me and tried to dislodge her from her seat on my belly.  I felt her shift her weight, lose her balance, and fall away from me, even as her nails were getting in a final row of scratches.  I scrambled away from her and got up on my knees, knowing that we were not done with each other yet.

Astra:

I had gone down, falling back against the bed. I knew I couldn’t stay there for long, though. I knew any moment I was down, she could get on top of me – and I couldn’t let that happen. I pushed myself back onto my knees, the two of us facing each other on the bed. That’s when I noticed how, in my clawing at her breasts, that her bra was starting to slip down, one of her nipples just peeking out from over the cups. I felt that stinging sensation on my back, and I knew that the more bare skin I could find, the more I could claw and scratch and pinch and maul at every inch of her body. I was driven with purpose then – one hand shooting out to grab the band of her bra and pull it down, before I took her breasts in both hands, squeezing and scratching at each.

But somehow she had the same idea, and quick as a snake she grabbed at my bra and yanked it down, reaching in with her other hand to scratch and squeeze my breasts.  It was ghostly quiet as we mauled each other in this most intimate way, only our strained breaths betraying the pain we were both in.  You might think it weird, I mean, I’m not attracted to her at all, but in the moment it felt so right to hurt her in this most feminine of ways, trying to ruin, negate, that part of her that I knew attracted you.

It was like a dance, almost, the way we were locked face to face, hands on the other girl’s breasts. When our bodies turned and swayed, when we jerked our shoulders and hips against one another to jostle each other’s positions, we moved in perfect unison. Eventually, I was finally able to bring myself in closer to her, getting in range to throw my arm around her, looping around her side. I grabbed for her hair again, pulling down hard from behind, while my other hand raked down along her side, scoring her ribs with red trails underneath my fingernails. It was then that I threw myself forward, putting all my weight into it as I went to tackle her to her back.

But she was able to turn my momentum into a roll and we ended up side to side, arms thrown around each other, raking scratches down each other’s backs, even as our feet tried to scratch each other’s calves with our toenails.  In my pain and rage she still managed to surprise me when I felt her teeth closing down at the base of my neck.

I threw my head back then, starting to scream, but stopped myself after the first squeak. I knew I couldn’t alert you to what was happening – I wasn’t just afraid of you finding out, I was afraid of you intervening, putting an end to our fight before its time. I wanted nothing else but to win, and to make her submit. I barely even thought of you then, darling – don’t take this the wrong way, I love you, but the only thing I cared about was making sure I had beaten Sophie once and for all.

I couldn’t let the pain get to me. Once again, she and I were locked, our motions mirrored. I threw myself closer to bite into her shoulder, her smooth skin splitting under my teeth. I grabbed for whatever I could, pulling her hair, scratching her back, slapping her sides. I grabbed at her thighs and her bare breasts, which were only becoming more inviting targets for my nails. My legs kicked and tangled with hers, snaking around each others’ as we squeezed and bucked. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop.

But I was weakening, and my body ached with the toll that her cruel teeth and nails were taking.  I arched with each scratch she raked down my back, and I could feel her teeth doing her terrible worst.  Was I bleeding?  I couldn’t tell in the dark, but it hurt like I was. I thought I could feel a trickle down my back, but was that sweat? Or just the tingles of excitement I felt at losing myself in our conflict?

Because, to tell you the truth, sweetie, despite the pain, I loved the feeling of fighting her.  Years of pent-up resentment at her – her selfishness, her pettiness, her presumption at inserting herself into our romance – I was free to express all these feelings with my claws, total freedom, with her slim body as my canvas.  And even feeling Sophie’s assaults on my body felt right.  I always knew she hated me, was jealous of me, and she was telling me so, in the most primal way one woman can tell another.  In all our years together we had bitten back a million little catty retorts, held back a million fits of pique.  Now that we were fighting, scratching each other, hurting each other, it felt like for the first time, we were finally being honest about what we felt about one another.  Amidst all the stifled moans, and the struggle of our tangled bodies, it was also a deep and intimate conversation between two women who had put up with one another far too long. It was girl talk.

As the pain built on itself, and I gasped and groaned, my grip on her started to slip – no matter how dearly I wanted to hang on. Soon, I had no choice but to release my teeth from her shoulder. She was still latched onto mine, of course, and the pain felt a thousand times worse when I didn’t have the satisfaction of knowing I was paying her back. She rolled on top of me, pushing me to my back – but even in my fading strength, I knew I had to fight on. Even if it meant going to the point where neither of us could carry on any longer. With both hands, I reached for her throat. I was prepared to choke her until she was out cold if I had to!

Sophie:

The pain was terrible as we fought in close quarters, neither of us able or willing to extract ourselves from one another.  But part of me wished it would never end.  Every time in the past few months I swallowed my pride, let her have her way, let her have my man, even!  I was done with that.  I was hurting her like she had hurt me.  And when I felt her lose her grip on me, I felt a fierce joy as I pushed her over, straddled her slim waist, and reached down to repay her for her scratching my boobs.  I was blindsided by her frantic flurry of slaps and grabs at my face, and I felt her hands settle around my throat and squeeze.

My eyes opened wide.  Is this what it was going to come down to?  Were we going to strangle each other in our jealousy and hate…in our jealousy over you, dear?  But it was too late to plead, to negotiate.  The only way I was coming out of this was to beat Astra, and so without a second thought I leaned down, using all my weight, and wrapped my hands around my roommate’s throat.

She made a mistake in panicking. Yes, even though she was the one who started it, going for my throat, she didn’t even know how to handle being choked out herself. As she let out a muffled cough, I looked down to see her struggling underneath me, twisting and turning and kicking her legs. I couldn’t help but smile, dear – please understand, I’m not the type to laugh at other peoples’ misery, but Astra is another story entirely. She could have saved her strength, but she kept on fighting. She was too blinded by rage, I think.

Not that that was any fun. If there’s one thing I can say about Astra, it’s that when she puts her mind to it, she can do things you’d never expect from a prissy little wallflower like her. She started to shake me from side to side, using what she could use for leverage from wherever she had me grabbed. I straddled her waist, trying to stay on. But Astra still found a way. Letting go of my throat with one hand, she used the other to deliver a few slaps across my thigh, the smack smack smack of skin against skin ringing out through the dark room. When that wasn’t good enough, she squeezed down on it, her nails raking down along the skin.

I tensed at the pain, and that gave her room to breathe and recover as my hold on her neck softened.  So we were back to a scratching battle: Astra attacking my bare thighs, while I scratched her creamy chest.  “Give up, you stupid bitch” I hissed at her as I dug my nails into her breasts.

“Fuck off, skank!” she replied, her words coming from behind clenched teeth. She hissed and shuddered all the same, twisting underneath me as she writhed from the pain. I stayed seated on top of her, but Astra kept looking for new ways to hurt me, and she swung a fist into my stomach as hard as she could.  It wasn’t a strong punch, but it winded me and I staggered back, letting her scramble out from under me.

Once again we got on our knees and faced each other, fists up.  I threw a flurry of punches at her chest and face, and she responded, but neither of us was much good at fist fighting, and most of our blows glanced off each other even as the room filled with the smacking of girlish fists against soft bodies.  Fed up with this futile fight, I shuffled closer to her and wrapped an arm around her neck trying to throw her to the bed.

Astra landed with a thud, rocking the bed under her as she landed. I could see her panting and heaving, struggling to catch her breath as we fought. The fighting had drained us, even if we hadn’t just been throttling one another, but even in the darkness I could see the fire in her eyes. She reached up toward me, her fingers grabbing at my shoulder and her nails running down my arm. The feeling of her claws on my skin burned – but what she really wanted was to pull me down to the bed so she could roll on top of me, straddling me like I had done to her.

Astra:

The adrenaline was the only thing keeping me going, I’m sure. Just describing it to you, it’s almost frightening to think about what I was capable of. I felt like a wild woman – I wonder, is this what our oldest ancestors felt, barely removed from animals and fighting tooth and nail for survival? My friends always said I was a nice, quiet girl. But I never felt farther from that than I did then.

It wasn’t enough that I was on top of Sophie. I needed to make sure she would regret ever getting on my bad side. I wanted to scream in her face, like the roar of a predator, as I threw myself down on her, but I knew that would make too much noise. All I heard was the slap of our sweat-slick skin against each other as I landed on her chest to chest, our smooth flat stomachs pressed against one another. My fingers flew for her face, grabbing it in both hands and raking at her eyes, her cheeks, her mouth with my nails, anywhere I could reach.

But her nails were as fast as mine, and I felt myself stifling sobs as she raked me from hairline to jaw, slowly, deeply, vindictively.  Lying on top of her body, I could feel her holding her breath with pain as I scratched her face, running my nails over her cheekbones, her pouting lips.  We squirmed against each other in pain, but refused to let one another go.  For myself, in that moment, I didn’t even worry about how much it hurt, I just wanted her to feel all the pain that she’d caused me.

That hatred, that raw emotion, was stirred up hotter and stronger as I thought back on everything. I thought of the way you looked at her, the smiles I saw you exchange when you didn’t think I was watching, and it made me even more eager to tear that pretty face apart. To leave a mark over her cheeks that would prove I was there, no matter what she’d say, no matter how she tried to ignore me like I wasn’t. I could feel the tears trickling down my face, and I didn’t know where they came from. Was it from the pain? Was it because I was losing myself in the thoughts? Was it because I was bleeding and I couldn’t tell it apart from tears?

Either way, the violence was terrible, and I realized we were going to mar each other’s faces for life if this kept on.  When I was an old woman – with you, my love, I hope – would I feel a faint scar and remember Sophie and this fight with her?

But I had to win for that to happen, to dominate Sophie, to make her leave us for good.  And as far as I could tell, she was getting the better of our duel.  I winced and froze as one of her nails grazed the corner of my eye, maybe by accident, but my hesitation only gave her an opening to dig her nails in deeper and push, trying to roll me off of her.

I yelped as I landed on my back, but I didn’t let go. My nails reached out and grabbed for Sophie, grasping and clawing at every inch of her body. They left her face to go after her chest and her sides, her back, her arms – anywhere I could reach. It didn’t matter that she was on top of me now. I could only do whatever I could to pay her back.

I had to clench my teeth to keep myself from crying out not just in pain, but in rage as my body locked with hers, our legs tangling. We rolled, one on top of the other, for I don’t know how long. She wouldn’t let go of me, but I wouldn’t let go of her, and though every second hurt I knew that I was hurting her too. I could feel the blood running between my fingers as they raked along her back, down to her hip, and I realize now what it must have felt for a lioness to tear into her prey.

I could hear her silent sobbing as we drew pain from one another for what felt like an eternity.  To be honest, despite the euphoria of the fight, I could feel myself weakening, my body saying from every nerve stop it, please, I can’t take it any more.  Was I going to be locked in this prison with Sophie forever, legs wrapped together, bodies pressed, punishing each other for our sins?  I needed to do something. 

And so I decided to do something that I would never have considered – something that Astra the nice girl would never even think of.  I reached down with my nails, scratching her flat belly as I went, and dug my fingers under her lacy red panties, ready to scratch her in the most intimate place a woman can hurt another.  Until I felt her nails under my panties, closing in for the kill.

I could feel my breaths quicken. My heart practically skipped a beat. I had only a split second to realize what was about to happen to me before I felt the burning sensation between my legs. Each moment that passed felt like a shock of agony. Worse than I had ever felt in my life before. Nothing in our entire fight hurt like the pain Sophie was causing me now.

I could feel myself trembling. I needed to end this now, before it got to be too much for me to handle. As the fingers of one hand pinched and clawed at the soft flesh of Sophie’s most intimate regions, the other grasped the waistband of her panties and yanked them down in one swift motion. I now had enough room to go in with both hands – ten curled claws raking and ravaging between her legs.

Sophie:

If I could do one thing differently in this fight, it wouldn’t be avoiding getting drawn into an argument with Astra. It wouldn’t even be getting in the first slap.  It would be starting to scratch her down there as soon as we started our clawing fight.  Looking back, we were going to go there no matter what – we tried to hurt each other in every possible way and neither of us had any intention of giving up to each other.  We had rolled and scratched one another to a standstill, neither of us willing to let her rival get away, neither of us willing to give in to each other.  So why not take our fight to the logical conclusion, the one exchange of pain that would break one of us for good?

Because it was scary, that’s why.  Because I was hesitant, not knowing if this fight was worth throwing all caution to the winds for.  And, to be honest, because it was something I never imagined I would do with Astra, even when we argued, even when we were screaming in each other’s faces.  But desperation is the mother of invention.  I was almost too late.  I jumped as her nails arrived between my legs a split second after mine had entered her panties.

My body exploded in pain.  All our scratching was like a schoolgirl’s gentle shoving match compared to this fresh agony.  I felt her rip my panties down.  I had no time to reciprocate, and I knew she was going to attack me like never before.  In my desperation, I dug two fingers deep inside her and scratched, just as I felt my private regions explode in fresh agony.

I screamed.  We both screamed.  There was no holding back our bodies’ response to this fresh violation each of us committed on one other. I froze at that sound – blindingly loud after the frantic gasps and quiet moans of our fight.  So did she.  Our nails were still inside each other but we stopped gouging, and something like normal feeling returned.

I can still see the look in her eyes as she realized what she’d done to me. What I’d been doing to her. It wasn’t the fierce animal she’d been ever since she made that first shove. It was…Astra. My roommate. Bruised and scratched and tear-stained, but still her.

We stayed like that, staring blankly at one another. It was like the stare we shared back in the living room, before the two of us retired to the bed. But this time, there wasn’t any tension, no rising emotion. That had all been released, our bodies said what they wanted to say to each other, and now, we were left in the middle of it all, amidst the wreckage.

“Sophie?” I heard her say, her voice quiet and hushed. Not a forced whisper the way we’d been stifling our cries and our insults, but the wavering voice of a girl who was scared, lost, and confused. “I…can’t do this any more.”

“Me…me neither,” I admit.  We started crying, holding each other, the arms that were a second ago scratching each other to shreds now thrown around each other in comfort.  I tried to control myself and look at her face, and I could see all the pain, the sadness, the fear in her face.

“I don’t…want to fight you any more,” she said, the words coming out between pants. “I’m hurt…I want to go home.”

I couldn’t deal with the sight of it any more, seeing that look on her face. There was nothing left to do. I broke away, rolling to the side of the bed.

Astra:

It had all happened so quickly, everything was a blur. I felt her weight leave my side, the warmth of her body suddenly fading as the two of us broke away. It almost felt like I had woken up from a dream – but of course, I knew it was all too real. No dream has ever been so visceral, and so tangible, as what I felt. I felt the aches in my body, and the shortness of breath as I gasped for air. And, as I turned on my side, facing the wall, I began to settle back down to the real world, and I remembered how much I hurt.

I don’t know how you would describe what I felt at that moment. Shame? Embarrassment? Maybe. Was it because I was crying? I had to hug my arms and curl up in a ball, sure, but I could hear Sophie sobbing too. Was it because I was nearly naked? It was just the two of us, and it’s nothing we haven’t seen of each other before, living together as long as we have. Was it because I hadn’t done as well as I wanted? Because I hadn’t forced her to submit to me, admit I was right the whole time, that I deserved you and I alone and that she’d never bother us again?

Maybe it was fear. Fear we’d be caught. With all the noise we must have made, I’m shocked you didn’t wake up. Was it fear of what you’d think of us when you found out? That you’d be ashamed we couldn’t behave ourselves like you wanted? Or maybe it was fear that I was even capable of those things. This isn’t the kind of girl I am, it’s really not. I’d only ever gotten in a fight like this…well, that time back at the apartment. But it all came so naturally to me, and I…wanted it. I liked it. There was something so freeing, so right…was it just the adrenaline, or was it that there was a part of me I’ve repressed?

Anyway, we came to our senses, and we made peace with each other enough to decide that we had to leave. It didn’t matter that I had to drive through the snow. It beat having to explain myself to you in the morning. I didn’t speak to her all the way back. I don’t even know how long it took me to get home. I just…didn’t feel a thing.

I haven’t spoken to Sophie since. I got home, took a shower and changed, and then went back to bed. I didn’t wake up until noon. I didn’t want to get out of bed for some time after that. I don’t want to have to explain anything. I don’t want to make anything worse.

I don’t want to face you about it, either. I know I haven’t said much, but…well, now you know. Darling, if there’s one thing I want you to know, it’s that I don’t want you to think I’m a psycho or anything. I’m not a violent person, or a spiteful one, or any of that. It just…happened. I wish I could tell you more as to why, but I can’t.

I know Sophie is going to have her own version of the story. I already know that she’s going to blame it all on me, just to make me look bad. It wouldn’t be the first time, and I don’t think it will be the last. Just know that I’ve told you my side, and from the bottom of my heart, I hope you accept it.

I want this to work, I really do. I want us to stay together. And I hope you can forgive me. I hope you can forgive us. I know I should be better than this…but I hope you can accept me, either way.

If you see Sophie, tell her that I really do still want to make this work. I’m afraid of what I saw in myself, and I’m afraid it all came that easily to me. I don’t know if she’ll accept it, after everything we did to each other, but I hope she forgives me, too.

Even if I’m bruised and scratched and missing hair, I hope you can accept me. I’ll do my best to make sure this never happens again…but even if it does, I hope you can accept me.

Astra Khan

Sophie:

We let each other go and I rolled as far away from her as possible.  I was sobbing quietly as the pain washed over me, the adrenaline rush of the fight subsiding.  In the dark I could hear Astra crying on her corner of the bed as well.  I could feel scratches over my body and like fire over my face, my entire body ached, and I felt drained, exhausted.

I guess you know what happened next.  Astra and I agreed that we couldn’t stay there.  We couldn’t let you see what we did to each other.  I couldn’t face you in the morning, after everything you’ve said about us getting along, when you realized that your two girlfriends had gone right back and torn each other to pieces in your very bed.  It was just too embarrassing.

So we quickly grabbed our ruined clothes, tiptoed out the front door, and got in the car.  She drove us through six inches of snow, which would ordinarily have scared me out of my wits, but I barely felt anything as we arrived back in our room.  Astra and I barely spoke a word to each other during all this.  It’s funny how well we can work together when we need to.  I guess that’s why we were…best friends.

I wonder, dear, what you found in the morning when you went into your room to find us both gone.  Roughed up sheets, blankets thrown on the ground, no doubt.  Did you notice the sweat stains, the teardrops?  Did you notice the drops of blood?  The torn out hair?

Was there more blonde or black hair on the bed, darling?  I never got a chance to check.

Astra and I haven’t spoken to each other for a whole week.  We haven’t gone out, either.  All our classes are online.  We haven’t seen our friends, because the last thing we need is for our scratched faces to make it into the gossip mill.  Although I’m sure Ellen and Cindy, if nothing else, are making their guesses.

And you, my darling, the cause of all my joy and pain through this ordeal, I hope you can forgive me for ghosting you for the past week.  I see your messages…and I can hear Astra’s phone buzz too, and I’m guessing that’s you.  You always text the two of us at the same time.  But if I’ve avoided you, it’s because I don’t want you to see me like this.  The marks of her claws on me are still healing, ugly red welts on my face and over my body.  My hair is a mess, with clumps missing that’s going to take some care to hide, when I feel up to going out again.

I can see Astra writing a letter to you, too, at her desk.  I guess she felt the same thing I do, the need to explain myself, to make you understand how natural it was, what happened between the two of us.  I’m not a mean girl, I’m not a bitch, really, I’m not, no matter what you might think reading about what happened.  Things just got out of hand.  To be honest, looking back, I’m still not sure what happened.  I wish I could explain myself better.

Anyway, remember what I said about Astra and her relationship with the truth.  Don’t believe everything she tells you about me.  But I’m sure you know that already, sweetheart.  Maybe with our two letters in front of you, you can piece together what really happened.

And if you see Astra, can you tell her something for me?  Tell her that I miss the way that things used to be between the three of us.  That I’m sorry things got so…intense between us.  I want you back, honey, and if that means I have to share you with her, well, at least I will have half of you in my life, and I’d rather have that than the whole of any other man.  If she wants to go back to that…I’m willing to try, sweetheart, with all my heart.  But tell her that if she ever tries to push me out, I will face her again, and fight her with teeth and nails until we’re both crying and bloodied.  She’ll know what I mean.

And if you see her, dear, before the scratch marks have completely faded, know that you’re seeing me too.  I wrote my love for you, with my nails, all over her body.

I miss you so, so, very much.

Sophie Yang

The End

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