The boar’s head in hand bear I
Bedecked with bay and rosemary;
So I pray you my masters be merry,
Quit estis in convivio [as many as are at the feast]
-15th century English Christmas Song
Laura never stood a chance. The pretty 27 year old single mom was new to apartment style wrestling. From the start of the match, my wife Kelly swarmed all over her like a pissed off honey badger; repeatedly throwing her down, firing slaps, pulling her up by the hair to throw her down again, and tying her up like a pretzel. At age 42, at 5’5”, 140 lbs, Kelly was strong, fast, and very aggressive. You could say ferocious. She finally positioned her taller victim on her belly in front of me, clamping on the camel clutch. Kelly wanted me to see the agony in younger woman’s pretty face. Honestly, I felt bad for Laura. She showed up as a fresh faced, 5’8” slender blued eyed thin brunette with straight black hair. Now she faced me, her chin locked and pulled up by Kelly’s menacing hands, her back forced into an unnatural arch, her face the very picture of suffering, her bikini body still and helpless.
I saw Laura tap out but Kelly didn’t relent. “Say it”.
“I give,” she managed through clenched teeth.
“Who’s the better woman?”
“Look at my husband and tell him his wife is the better woman.”
“She’s the better woman,”. Her words are barely audible with her chin clamped.
“Kelly, that’s enough,” I intervened. “Let her go NOW.” Kelly released the hold as Laura’s face fell to the mat, leaving her to be gathered up by her boyfriend, but not before Kelly placed her foot on the back of her neck, flexing her muscles in a victory pose.
Kelly practically jumped into my arms, her brunette hair basically untouched in a bun, pressing her own bikini body against mine. She planted her sensuous lips to mine as she grinded her crotch against my member. “You’re woman won again,” she whispered. “I love you, Henry. I love you so much.”
I didn’t understand what got into my wife. There were the mood swings, the temper tantrums, the changes in libido, the aggression. She was always an assertive type A personality, but now her unpredictable behavior reached new levels.
It started a few months ago. We had been couples wrestling for a few years. We were trying to set up a match with a very nice couple, Holly and Shaun, but kept experiencing logistic difficulty. Finally, they were in our town for a conference. Kelly was away, but I had them over our place. After all, they were already in town and I wanted to meet them. Shaun and I wrestled. I lost. I weigh 260 lbs and rarely lose. It was embarrassing but Shaun’s a great athlete and good guy. Just as I got pinned, Kelly returned home unexpectedly and went ape shit. She threw a hissy fit in front of our guests and bullied Shaun’s wife, Holly into a catty wrestling match. Holly was a sweetheart of a girl, but Kelly mercilessly tore into her. I didn’t get it.
After that match, Kelly was moody for a month. She didn’t talk much. She kept me at a distance. And no sex. And then suddenly, she did a 180. She couldn’t keep her hands off me. Everything she did was about me. She bought me new clothes, cooked my favorite food, we went to my favorite restaurants. And she booked us for more wrestling matches. I’m a construction company program manager. When I twisted my ankle at at site accident, Kelly booked wrestling matches for herself for me to watch. She continued her winning streak, overwhelming her opponents with her relentless aggressive style. At night, she was even more of a wildcat in bed. I just didn’t understand it. And then one day, the truth punched me in the gut.
I unlocked my cell phone, only the phone…wasn’t mine. Kelly and I have the same style cell phone, simple and blue. What I didn’t know was that we also shared the same lock code. Our codes were…our anniversary date. Of course. I guess that’s why they say don’t use addresses, birth dates, and so on. The first clue the phone wasn’t mine were the text messages. I thought it was some mistake. Maybe I picked up a coworker’s phone by accident. No, it was Kelly’s. The messages were for her. And by her.
I froze. I sweated. My heart raced. I got dizzy. I thought I might pass out so I sat down and placed my head between my knees. And I cried. I never saw it coming. But there it was in front of my nose. I never suspected it. My Kelly…had been having…an affair.
It started to make sense. It was Derek, one of her coworkers. Kelly was a pharmaceutical sales representative. She started seven years ago, working up her way to regional manager. Derek, another one of the managers was a young, good looking guy, and a smooth talker…the dick. Kelly and I even double dated once with Derek and his wife. Apparently, there was no business meeting during Holly and Shaun’s visit. Kelly’s absence was a rendezvous with Derek. He dumped her and she came home early. That’s why she was angry as a hornet when she came home. That’s why she was cold for weeks. And yes, I now knew why she went out of her way to please me and service me…guilt.
I never told Kelly about my discovery. I planned to, but her efforts to make things right was undeniable. But still, when you know the truth, it’s not the same. When the trust is broken it feels so hollow. When it comes to sex, I’m not an old fashioned prude. I have friends in open marriages, gay marriages, no marriages. I believe marriage is a contract. The relationship is defined by the parties involved. But when your marriage is based on monogamy and trust, cheating leaves a big ol’ hole in your heart. For weeks, I felt stunned and lost.
Been dazed and confused for so long it’s not true
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you
Lots of people talk and few of them know
Soul of a woman was created below
Do I confront her? Do I give her another chance? Do I accept her lavish attentiveness and act ignorant? Those questions churned in my mind over and over again. I finally decided I’d tell her I knew the truth. I picked the time; it would be one weeknight after work.
When I came home that evening, Kelly beat me to the punch. Waiting for me in a new sexy lingerie, she handed me a glass of wine, “Hello dear, I have quite an evening planned for us tonight.” This wasn’t going to be easy.
“And I have exciting news. I’m close to booking another match with a woman I met online. She only lives an hour drive from us. She’s well educated and professional and has travelled around the world. It’s so wonderful to have another sophisticated woman share this hobby. And there’s more,” my wife’s eyes lighting up with excitement. “She and her husband own a hunting lodge. When I told them you like to hunt, her husband sent a message. He’d like to take you boar hunting. He wants to know if you use bows.”
It sounded to good to be true. I love hunting. I grew up in a part of Texas where bow hunting wild hogs is a popular past time. I hadn’t used a bow in years. Bow hunting and female fighting sounded like a weekend in heaven.
Kelly seemed really excited about our prospects with this couple. She was so pleased with herself for finding me a hunting buddy. I couldn’t deny she was trying hard for me. She seemed genuinely happy. I decided I would try to put the affair with all the pain and betrayal behind us. I kept my knowledge of the text messages to myself. I would try to move on and be the best husband I could be.
You hurt and abused tellin’ all of your lies
Run around sweet baby, Lord how they hypnotize
Sweet little baby I don’t know where you’ve been
Gonna love you baby, here I come again
If it sounded too good to be true, it was. “Henry,” Kelly called. “Remember when I told you about my match at the hunting lodge.” Her voice lacked the earlier enthusiasm. In fact, it sounded gruff as if she were holding back anger. I knew that tone very well in Kelly.
“Well,” she continued. “We exchanged pictures and I did the vetting. Guess who the woman is?”
“Paula the Poacher.” She repeated with a raised voice, “Paula the Poacher.” Then shouted, “PAULA THE FUCKING POACHER.”
That was a name I never expected to hear again. Seven years ago, Kelly worked at Riverside Hospital in the billing and coding department. She was considered a model employee and had won several high performance awards; after all, she always was an overachiever. Paula was hired to lead the department and things quickly changed. Kelly was coming home frustrated and irritable. According to Kelly, Paula brought in a new system and retrained the staff to code differently for billing. Kelly saw numerous problems, errors and possible fraud in Paula’s methods and tried to tell her, but was met with condescension and arrogance. Paula moved Kelly’s office to a tiny space the size of a closet. Kelly was removed from important committees and was only tasked with the least attractive work. Kelly worried about the hospital’s liability. For weeks she couldn’t sleep at night.
Finally, when Kelly reported her concerns up the chain of command, Paula fired her. Not long after, the hospital was investigated by the feds for fraudulent Medicare billing. No criminal charges were fired. The investigators attributed numerous violations to ignorance and incompetence. The CEO resigned. Riverside was forced to repay $20 million in wrongful billings plus penalties. By then, Paula was long gone, having accepted a higher leadership position at another hospital. Riverside never recovered, sadly closing its doors a few years later.
Kelly was in turmoil for months, consumed by her hatred for Paula. Eventually, she landed on her feet, excelling in her new career in pharmaceutical sales. But her eyes would burn to the present day whenever Riverside Hospital was mentioned; time never fully extinguished her contempt and bitterness for her former supervisor.
“So the fight’s off, right,” I asked.
“Fuck no,” Kelly replied. “I want to destroy that bitch.”
“Bad idea,” I replied. “There’s no point in returning to a negative time in your life. Don’t open up old wounds. Let the past be buried.”
“You don’t understand,” she answered, “She embarrassed me, humiliated me, ruined my job, ruined the hospital. Do you know how many times I dreamed about tearing her apart? Now the time is here. It’s here. I can finally get revenge. It’s karma.”
I didn’t like the idea. Once Kelly was focused on something, there was no stopping her. In her mind, she was going to beat and humiliate the woman who caused so much turmoil in her life several years ago.
Worried the fight would be neither safe nor sane, I contacted Paula’s husband, Jim. We hit it off immediately. He’s another big guy like me. He was a big game hunter who had been everywhere. He also did very interesting work in holographic imaging technology. We discussed the bad blood between our wives. Jim proposed we enforce rules and that we could keep our women under control and intervene if the action got unsafe. He also felt that win or lose, the fight might give Kelly the resolution she needed. With a little reluctance, I agreed we’d come to the lodge and give it a try.
The plans were set. Kelly and I would arrive at the lodge early in the morning. The four of us would talk over breakfast, then the guys would go boar hunting. In the late afternoon, the girls would have their match. Afterward, we’d sit down to a dinner of roasted boar.
In the days leading to the fight, Kelly became obsessed, pacing around the house like an animal. She’d grit her teeth, shadow box, punch walls. Her workouts were more intense. Once, while in bed, she screamed in her sleep, “Submit to me, Paula, you bitch. Who’s the better woman?”
On the day of the fight, I dressed in my hunting gear and packed my bow and arrows along with our bags. Once off the main highway, the trip to the lodge was an arduous journey on backroads, steep dirt and gravel trails, complicated by the early dawn’s faint light. As we traveled closer, the land was a beautiful forest, finally leading to an elegant rustic large wood structure. “Must be some great hunting here,” I thought. The lodge was two stories with a long porch wrapping around to the sides. In front was a beautifully cultivated lawn, garden, and pond. We could partially see the area behind the house contained more gardens and an in ground swimming pool.
“Remember Kelly,” I warned, “keep yourself under control. If you break the rules, the fight is over.” Kelly’s eyes were wild, her breathing was heavy, like a cat who sensed prey was nearby.
We rang the large doorbell and waited a minute. Finally, we were greeted by a man taller than me at 6’5” wearing similar gear. “You must be Kelly and Henry,” beamed the gregarious hunter, “I’m Jim.” I immediately took a liking to him. We stood in a tall open foyer with a large main room to the right. “Let me help you with your things,” he said, “but first, I have one more guest. He’s right behind you.”
We turned around to face a swirling, glowing column of light. The light took on different colors at once, coalescing into a form…of a human….of….a three dimensional holographic…Frank Sinatra? Frank blinked his ol blue eyes before crooning into a rendition of “Moon River” as Jim shook with a hearty laugh.
“Wow,” I said, “is this your work?”
“You have no idea,” he grinned, his smile stretching his salt and pepper goatee.
“Kelly, how’d you like that,” I asked. The look on her face concerned me instantly. Kelly could have cared less. Her eyes were poison, her lips were pursed.
“Where is she?” she spitted. “Where the fuck is she? I want her. I want her NOW! WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?”
My face must have turned beet red with embarrassment.
“Looks like we have a bobcat on our hands,” Jim said.
“Kelly, stop it now. We’re guests here” I grunted at her as I lamely tried to apologize to Jim.
“Paula ran down to the convenience store at the bottom of the hill to gat a few items for dinner tonight,” Jim explained. Kelly, what can I get you? Would you like something to drink. We’ll have breakfast soon. Allow me to give you both a tour.”
“Please, Kelly, get yourself together,” I whispered through my teeth.
Jim led us through the foyer to the main room, a large sitting area with a cherry hardwood floor, overlaid by a large thick Persian rug. I noted furniture was pushed off the rug, causing me to wonder if this was the site of the fight. The wooden walls were lined with animal trophy heads of all kinds: deer, elk, moose, caribou. Numerous taxidermy preserved animals were scattered throughout the lodge. There was a gorgeous stone fireplace adding to the rustic ambience. Jim showed us the charming country kitchen, and several guest rooms. One room housed many kinds of impressive guns. Another, the “exotic room” was full of trophies and heads collected during international hunts.
I especially was intrigued with the medieval styled dining hall. The large rectangular room, three times as long as it was wide, featured a long table, a central hearth with stone engravings and a coat of arms overhead. A hanging chandelier was suspended majestically over the table. On the table top lay settings of metal dishes, clay goblets, and large knives and spoons with 2 pronged forks.
The walls of the dining hall were adorned with paintings, all of them depicting hunting scenes during the Middle Ages. Princes and nobles with their dogs tracked foxes. Young kings practiced their falconry skills. The Duke of Burgundy was shooting arrows at deer.
“This one is my favorite,” said Jim, pointing to an oil painting of a medieval royal feast. Rulers, young maidens, lords, ladies, and knights gathered around the dining hall table, their goblets raised in merriment and laughter. In the center of the table was a severed boar’s head on a large platter, apparently an important staple to the banquet. “The boar’s head was a delicacy, a Christmas tradition among the royalty and elite in much of Europe during the Middle Ages,” Jim explained. “But the tradition is much older. Ancient people would offer a boar’s head with an apple in its mouth to the Roman goddess Diana. It probably dates back to the ancient Celts. Queens College at Oxford University still carries on the tradition.”
Upstairs was a loft overlooking the main room, full of game tables, video equipment, computers, and various cameras. Jim explained some of it was his holographic equipment which he proudly demonstrated by creating various 3D images of objects, making them appear and disappear. Lifting up a control panel, Jim asked, “Henry, what’s your favorite kind of music?”
“Classic country,” I answered.
“Let’s see here,” his fingers working a console. “Ah yes…here.”
To my right, another vertical beam of light appeared, growing, shifting, than taking on a humanoid form of….Hank Williams Sr. Hank tuned his guitar, looked straight at me and began:
“Your cheatin’ heart
Will make you weep
You’ll cry and cry
And try to sleep
But sleep won’t come
The whole night through
Your cheatin’ heart
Will tell on you”
Definitely not what I needed. It seemed so surreal and bizarre. I listened to Hank singing about cheating hearts while my cheating wife stood next to me. Once again, I felt overwhelmed and dizzy. “Henry, are you OK,” Jim asked.
“ I’m fine,” I answered. “Do you have Willie Nelson?”
At that point, we heard a door open downstairs, but not at the main entrance. Someone entered the kitchen from the outside through a back door.
“Jim,” the woman called, “where are you? I saw a car out front. That must mean our guests are here.”
“We’re up here in the loft, love,” Jim’s voice boomed.
I could here Paula’s footsteps clicking the hardwood floor as she left the kitchen and crossed the foyer. Finally, the woman I never met but heard so much about appeared in the flesh in the doorway of the main room below us. Her shoes became silent as she walked across the large Persian rug, looking up at us in the loft overhead, as she approached. Coming closer, I could see she was an attractive woman. Her profile on the website seemed accurate. She was 5’6” and 130 lbs., she appeared toned and well built. She was dressed in a white polo shirt and casual slacks. Her brown hair flipped up at the shoulders. Her face had a pleasant expression with the tall arching eyebrows and lips that turned up at the corners, like a faint permanent smile. I could see why Kelly used to call her “the evil clown”, although she wasn’t unattractive at all. It’s funny how our subjective opinion of others can shape our physical perceptions.
“Well, hello,” she chimed, “you must be Kelly and Henry. I see Jim is giving you the tour. He loves to show off his toys, you see.”
As the three of us leaned over the railing above Paula, I sensed Kelly transforming, like a werewolf, into some kind of raging animal. She stared at Paula with large dilated eyes, the heavy breathing took on the sound of growling. The muscles tensed, the hands tightened into fists. I did not expect what happened next.
Kelly suddenly bolted to the stairs like an escaped wildcat, racing down the steps to the main room, shrieking, “YOU FUCKING BITCH. YOUR TIME IS UP. YOU’RE GONNA PAY, CUNT.”
Paula froze in shock for a second as she realized she was about to be attacked. Her eyes widened, her voice let out a short scream before she turned to run from her assailant. Paula raced across the foyer and back into the kitchen with Kelly in close pursuit.
“Kelly, stop, just stop it,” I yelled, as Jim and I lumbered down the steps.
In the kitchen, Paula found some refuge from an island counter, using it to separate herself from her attacker. Kelly kept up the chase as the two women ran in circles around the island, knocking over stools in the process.
“You better run” Kelly snarled, “you have no idea what I’m going to do to you when I catch you.”
“Jim, HELP,” Paula pleaded.
Finally entering the kitchen, I scooped up Kelly with one arm, spun her away from Paula, lifting her off the ground as she kicked my shins and beat the top of my head. Jim protectively stood in front of his wife. “Dammit Kelly, stop it,” I barked at her.
Paula panted, “I…I…don’t feel safe. Who is this….beast? She wasn’t like this online.”
“Don’t you remember me, Paula The Poacher? I’m Kelly…from Riverside Hospital,” my wife replied as I held her.
“Did we work together?” Paula asked.
“I worked,” Kelly answered. “You sat around fucking up everything. Because of you, Riverside financially collapsed. No buyer would touch them. I tried to tell you before it was too late but you were such an arrogant piece of shit.”
“Weren’t you one of the troublemakers I had to let go?” Paula’s responded.
“Fuck you!” Kelly shouted as she squirmed in my arms.
“It’s best that we leave now,” I interjected.
“No!” Kelly retorted. “I came here for a fight.”
“Then you’ll have to act like an adult,” I reprimanded.
“OK, OK, put me down, I won’t attack this slut again until the appointed time,” Kelly assured me. “Then I’ll tear her head off.”
“Look,” said Paula, “I’m willing to try one more time to make this work. I know the guys were really looking forward to hunting. Perhaps we should sit down for breakfast and try again.”
I gently released Kelly as we took our seats around the kitchen table. My wife stared coldly as the rest of us enjoyed a breakfast of eggs benedict, fruit salad, and sausage. The remaining three of us awkwardly skimmed a variety of conversational topics before Paula finally addressed Kelly.
“Kelly, seven years is a very long time to hold onto bitterness. It’s destructive. I’m happy to have a catty fight with you today but you need to let go of all that pent up anger.” The woman made sense.
“Oh, I’ll let go of it all right,” Kelly sneered. “You’ll feel every bit of it – right on your fuckin face, you incompetent, lying cunt.”
Paula sighed. “That was so long ago. But please, I deserve a chance to defend myself. You see, my predecessor at Riverside left the billing department in a shambles.”
“The fuck she did. We were doing just fine,” Kelly interrupted.
“Kelly, please, let me finish. I was brought in to steer the ship around. Changes need to be made. The coding and billing system was old and outdated.”
“No, Paula, the only thing old and outdated is your ridiculous hair flip,” Kelly jabbed.
Paula ignored her. “So, I brought in my new system, trying to bring the department up to speed. Change isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Usually, some staff buys into your vision, others don’t. I tried hard to work with Kelly but she was recalcitrant. Finally, I had to let her go.”
“And your fucking system cost the hospital $20 million,” Kelly said with a tone of malice.
“No,” replied Paula, “it was the staff. I inherited riff raff, the lowest of the low, the bottom of the barrel. They weren’t getting my system. I could have done better with a staff of fifth graders. Completely uneducable.”
“Fucking unbelievable, I’m done listening to this shit,” Kelly groaned. “And where do you keep the ivory elephant tusks you smuggle out of Africa?”
Paula sighed again, “I know, I know, I’m Paula The Poacher. Not that tired old chestnut again. Yes, I’m a big game huntress with my husband. Let’s face it, hunting at that level is dominated by men. When a woman succeeds at it, she must be cheating, right. I’ve been hearing that for years.”
Jim spoke. “Speaking of hunting, Henry and I better get started. The boars will be running for only a few more hours.”
“Jim, do you have to hunt?” Paula asked. “I’m not comfortable being alone with this…animal. I fear for my safety.”
“We’ll leave,” I offered.
“No,” Kelly responded. “This loser is obviously afraid of me, so I’ll make it easy on her. Paula may lock me in the guest room until the guys get back from hunting. And then I’m going to beat the shit out of her.”
“Are you OK with that, Paula?” Jim asked. “We’ll have fight rules to prevent injuries.”
“I’m willing to try,” was Paula’s answer. “I’ll work on dinner while you’re gone.”
“And then I’ll work on your face,” Kelly added.
I escorted Kelly to the guest room. It had its own bathroom, TV and WiFi, to help her pass the time. “Please, Kelly,” I implored, “No more trouble.”
I gathered up my bow and other supplies, boarded Jim’s truck and we were off. We went a few miles through more gravel and dirt roads, when Jim parked his truck, then we hiked another mile. “I shot a boar yesterday, Henry,” he said. “That’s our dinner tonight. Whatever we kill today is yours.”
Our conversation during the hike was fascinating. Jim was an intriguing individual. In his younger days, he served as a paratrooper in the military. He earned a B.S. degree in electrical engineering, then a Ph.D. in optical physics. He joined the high tech industry where he runs a lab developing holographic imaging technology. He owns several patents. “I specialize in illusions,” he commented. “But reality is all about perceptions, so I like to think I create alternate realities.”
He’s hunted on every continent and shared many dangerous stories as we walked. He met Paula in Bangkok, although it wasn’t clear why she was there at the time.
As we walked along the creek, we found signs of boar activity. Small piles of turned up dirt appeared along vegetation and logs as they root for grubs and termites, a process known as “rooting. A few empty hog shelters, dens lined with branches, dotted the creekside. Cloven hoofed tracks were present in the mud by the water where they came to drink.
“This is where they live,” Jim explained. “They’ll be returning here any minute.” He was right. Hogs are nocturnal, feeding mainly under the cover of dark. During cooler months or droughts, they’ll extend they’re excursions until early daylight hours. We still had time.
Jim took us to an elevated stand, a wooden platform built into a tree six feet off the ground, about 20 yards from the creek where we saw the tracks. The elevation also gave us protection. Boars are aggressive and attack when shot. Bow hunting is particularly dangerous. “All we need to do now is wait,” said Jim.
After nearly an hour had passed, we saw them, a herd of six hogs, rumbling along the near creek side, grunting, snorting, their snouts and menacing tusks slightly wagging side to side. Jim and I readied our bows…and waited. Jim aimed for the third one, I zeroed in on the fourth. The bows taut, the arrows steady, the beasts approached. 30 yards, 25 yards, 20 yards…FIRE! My arrow sailed high and wide, ending up in the creek. Jim’s shot grazed the back of his target, causing the herd the skittishly run. “I think I’m a little rusty,” I said.
For the next hour, we waited on the stand, and talked. We didn’t see another boar, but we enjoyed each other’s company, just two big ol’ boys talking about guns, sports, travel and so on. For awhile, I forgot about my issues with Kelly.
Jim’s cell phone pinged. “Excuse me, Henry, it’s work. I’m practically on call 24/7 being the only guy who can troubleshoot some of the products.”
Then my phone pinged, a text message. It was Kelly, “Dammit Henry u took my phone.” Oh fuck, she was right. I did it again. She even placed stickers on the back of her phone to distinguish it from mine. Through all the chaos this morning, I mistook our phones again.
As Jim was still dealing with work, Kelly’s phone pinged with another text, “I want u back, Baby. Let’s talk, Jose.”
Jose? Who the fuck was Jose? I unlocked her phone and looked at her contacts. I found Jose – her trainer at the gym. I found their messages. I couldn’t believe it…They had an affair last year.
I froze. How could that have happened? I never suspected anything. A pain gathered in the pit of my stomach. There was more. I looked at older messages. Six months before Jose, she was sleeping with another guy…named Ahmed. I had no idea who the fuck Ahmed was.
“Henry, are you alright?” Jim asked. “You look like somebody just died.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. Somebody did just die, I thought – me. At least that’s what it felt like inside.
We waited another hour on the stand. I struggled to keep up the camaraderie. Finally, we concluded our time window to catch the hogs had closed. It was time to head back…empty handed.
Jim and I joked about what condition we’d find our wives upon our return. I just hope Paula didn’t let Kelly out of the guest room. To my relief, we found the two women calmly seated in the main room. We briefly chit chatted with them, breaking the news of our unsuccessful hunt.
Paula spoke. “Jim, Henry, please sit down. Kelly and I had a long discussion. We’d like to share with you our plan.” She paused. “Obviously, Kelly has harbored deep seated anger and bitterness against me for a long time. It doesn’t take a psychologist to know this is very unhealthy. I know we’re here to fight today, but I’d like to use this opportunity to try to help her.”
Kelly interrupted, “It’ll help me a lot when I pound you into oblivion.”
Paula ignored her and continued. “I don’t think a typical catfight will be enough for her. For instance, if she hits me, pulls my hair, scratches me, throws me to the rug and submits me, that may help her some, but will that really get to the root of her bitterness? I think she needs an experience with me that will be more profound, more intimate and personal, something that will cut to the core of who she is and who I am…..So, I’m proposing that we fight nude.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes,” Paula resumed. “Two women, naked and vulnerable, au naturale, pitted against each other, matching their strength, endurance, and wits in a primal struggle. I think it will be more meaningful to Kelly.”
“You’re OK with this?” I asked Kelly.
“Hell, yeah,” she replied. “I just want to beat her naked ass.”
“Next,” said Paula. “I suggest we move the fight outside. The earth and the sky will be our witnesses, just like they have witnessed all wars and battles that have ever been fought. The earth contains all of the building blocks for life. The earth gives us our sustenance. Eventually, we return to the earth. I think it’s only fitting that we settle our differences on the very primordial cradle of our existence.”
“And finally, Kelly and I have agreed to stakes in our encounter…Kelly, would you like to tell them?”
“Loser gets hogtied,” Kelly blurted. “And stays tied up during dinner.”
“What?” I asked with incredulity.
“Let me explain,” answered Paula. “Wild boar hunting is the theme of our time together. To ancient people, a boar symbolized viciousness, aggression, ferocity. They were sacrificed to the Goddess for fertility and prosperity.”
“Today, the winning woman will play the role of the noble huntress while the defeated woman assumes the identity of the beast to be sacrificed. While nude and bound, as the rest of us feast, she will contemplate her beast nature; after which, she will experience a new peace and contentment once the Goddess accepts the sacrificed beast from within her. It’s all very therapeutic.”
It sounded like gobbledygook to me.
“I just want to see this bitch tied up, naked and humiliated,” said Kelly.
“There are a few rules,” said Paula. “Mainly, no closed fist punching or kicking to the head. So, if everyone is in agreement, should we prepare to get started? I suggest Kelly and I go to our respective rooms to prepare ourselves, then we’ll meet outside.”
Upon hearing those words, Kelly jumped to her feet and pulled me by the arm, “Let’s go Henry, the moment I long dreamed about is here,” she crowed as we entered our guest room. She left the bathroom door open as she pulled back her hair into a bun, then went through a stretch routine. Her voice chattered with excitement. “It’s here, the moment’s here. I can demolish the woman who’s caused me so much pain.”
“Henry, we’re going to have the best sex of our lives tonight,” she continued, now walking toward me nude. I could see signs of arousal in her 35D breasts and large nipples and areolae. She placed her arms around my neck while wrapping her legs around my waist, locking her ankles around my back. “Let’s go on a vacation,” she cooed. “A getaway spot. Somewhere remote. I love you, honey. You’ll always be the love of my life.”
All of this was coming from a serial cheater – at least three affairs within a year and a half. But yet…yet she now seemed so sincere…so loving. But I couldn’t return the heartfelt moment she wanted to share with me. If we were home, I’d confront her, but as she prepared to fight, this wasn’t the time or place to disrupt her mental and emotional state. She planted a long passionate kiss on my lips before returning to the bathroom. It was all so hard to process. All I knew was, at that moment, I couldn’t think of her as my wife.
Been dazed and confused for so long, it’s not true
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you
Take it easy baby, let them say what they will
Will your tongue wag so much when I send you the bill
I gathered a few fight items into the gym bag: water, towels, bandages, first aid kit. There was a gentle tap on the door. “We’re ready,” Jim said. “Paula is waiting out front.”
No sooner did Jim turn around when Kelly bolted out of the guest room, her nude body racing past a startled Jim, dashing down the hallway, into the foyer, then blowing through the front door like a crazed jackrabbit.
“Kelly, wait,” I called out as Jim and I pursued her. On the lawn, Paula wearing only a white terry cloth robe was going through stretching exercises, her back turned to Kelly.
“Paula, watch out,” Jim yelled. Paula never saw it coming. She barely turned around when a charging Kelly, zeroing in like a heat seeking missile, lunged into her with a bone jarring tackle, the force knocking her off her feet and crashing her to the ground on her back with Kelly on top of her. My wife wasted no time taking advantage of her stunned opponent, pinning her to the ground, throwing a barrage of slaps to the face, each blow creating a loud smacking noise on impact. Then taking two fistfuls of hair, she yanked her former boss’s hair side to side, each woman emitting high pitched shrieks that sounded like, well, two fighting alley cats.
“That wasn’t fair,” I said. “Let’s break it up.” Jim waived me off.
“What’s done is done,” he said. “Now they have to settle it.”
Kelly, keeping Paula trapped on her back, opened the front of her hated foe’s robe, digging her nails into the exposed breasts. Paula let out a shrill scream, frantically trying to pry off her opponent’s hands. Kelly took advantage of the opening, throwing a new volley of face slaps. Paula’s legs kicked and thrashed from underneath the robe but not in a productive way as Kelly’s mount was inside the guard. My wife again went to the hair, repeatedly lifting her enemy’s head then pushing it back to the ground. “Fucking cunt,” Kelly growled, “It’s judgement day, bitch.”
The aggressor moved from her mounted position, pulling Paula up by the hair. As Paula tried to get to her feet, Kelly pulled the back of the robe over the other woman’s head exposing her lower body. With her opponent blinded, Kelly landed two hard closed fist blows to the ribs, then a knee to the belly, dropping Paula to her knees. From behind, Kelly drove into her opponent forcing her face down on her belly while Kelly mounted her back. With the robe still over her head and restricting her arms, Kelly took full advantage digging more punches to the ribs and kidneys. To add humiliation, my wife looked at me and smiled, as she began to spank Paula’s naked firm ass.
Paula, in an attempt at defense, managed to hunch her back, tucking in her elbows to protect her ribs and kidneys. It worked, as Kelly, now punching mostly arms and back moved to a new approach. She quickly dismounted her foe, grabbing the robe at the head and started dragging Paula along the grass. Finally, the robe completely pulled away off Paula’s head, leaving her lying nude, panting and looking dazed with scratches on her breasts, her body full of red marks and grass stains.
Kelly, on her feet, kept up the merciless attack, circling Paula’s vulnerable body, throwing kicks to the belly, back, and butt. With her rival on her hands and knees, Kelly drove in with a side headlock, again driving her opponent onto the ground. By now, Paula was working hard for oxygen as her ribs expanded and contracted with each respiration. She squirmed, trying to reach up for her opponents hair, but Kelly slapped away her arm. For a few minutes, Kelly held her trapped, attempting to wear her down. Finally, Paula manage to land a few elbows to the belly, forcing Kelly to release the hold.
I knew Kelly’s fight style was to wear down her opponent and end the fight with a school girl pin with a face sit option. Kelly again got to her feet, circling and hovering as Paula tried to rise. From behind, Kelly wrapped her arms around her victim, lifted her off her feet, throwing her again to the ground. She was able to half mount her opponent, as Paula had one free leg outside of Kelly’s. This still gave Kelly enough of an opportunity to add a few more rib punches and attack the breasts. Paula managed to use her free leg to knock Kelly off the mount but not before her nipples were stretched, causing her to scream in agony.
Kelly laughed as her opponent was on her knees, howling in pain. “You worthless, lying piece of shit,” she sneered. My wife then slapped Paula’s face so hard, the poor woman’s head forcefully snapped to the side. She reared back for a second slap but this time, Paula brilliantly blocked it but a knee to the chest sent her toppling over.
Perhaps out of desperation, Paula rolled along the ground apparently trying to gain distance from Kelly. It worked as the hospital administrator got to her feet but with Kelly in hot pursuit. Another swinging slap from Kelly was blocked. She swung again but this time Paula feinted out of the way as Kelly only struck air. Paula threw a hard counterpunch to the kidney, causing Kelly to wince. Paula now assumed a boxer’s stance with her shoulder pointed toward her opponent. She threw a series of jabbing slaps which landed on the face and chest.
For the first time in the fight, Paula looked dangerous. She danced in circles around Kelly, flicking quick slaps and short body punches. Kelly was feeling it. Paula faked a jab and came back with a short right hand to the belly. Katie resorted to what she does best – aggressive straight ahead bull rushes. However, Paula easily spun out of the way and countered with a series of slaps. I could see Kelly becoming frustrated, sensing she was losing momentum.
I was surprised by the turn around. Watching Paula, I began to suspect she had considerable boxing experience. It seemed to me Kelly’s best bet was to keep the fight on the ground. This would not be easy, I thought, as Paula impressively backpedaled thwarting Kelly attacks. Kelly rushed in again. As Paula backed up, Kelly threw a kick, nailing Paula in the pussy. Paula bent over, holding her womanhood and howled. “We said no crotch attacks,” she cried. “Those were the rules.”
“The fuck we did,” Kelly responded. “We said nothing about the crotch. It’s fair game, darling,” she said with a sneer.
Seeing Paula was vulnerable, Kelly kicked again but Paula dodged out of the way. A third kick also missed but this time, Paula countered with a low roundhouse kick to the right inner thigh. The blow stopped Kelly in her tracks. Another low kick landed on the left outer thigh. Kelly screamed and stood still, seemingly unable to move. I knew those maneuvers. The kicks were staples of Muay Thai. Where did Paula learn it? Did Jim say he met Paula in Bangkok? I started to wonder what secrets this couple may be hiding.
I shouted words of encouragement. “Come on, Kelly. You can do it.” As those words left my mouth, I realized they were…only words. Words without passion. I watched my wife physically fight another woman but now I was…indifferent,…neutral…in an emotional no man’s land I did not recognize.
Kelly was on her feet but the kicks took away her mobility. Paula resumed her boxing style attack with combination body blows. Seeing her opponent was stationary and at a serious disadvantage, Paula went to work. She started to grapple with Kelly, delivering a judo throw. As Kelly tried to rise, Paula put her back to the ground with a hip toss. Then another one.
Both women looked worn and battered but it was Paula who seemed to be taking the fight to its end game. Kelly struggled to her feet while Paula watched like a cat planning to finish its prey. Circling behind her foe, Paula grasped a staggering Kelly around the waist, then arched her back, lifting Kelly in the air, then sending her crashing backward to the ground with a modified German suplex. Where did she learn this?
Kelly groveled on the ground as Paula stood at her head facing her opponent’s feet. The huntress picked up Kelly’s feet pulling them up and pinning them to the ground above the downed woman’s head, folding the body into a tight matchbook pin. Paula placed her weight on Kelly’s ankles while kneeling on the arms. Kelly was helpless as her body was hopelessly trapped, leaving her pussy thoroughly exposed to the sky.
“Give up?” Paula asked.
Paula shifted her position, sliding her rear end over Paula’s face, seating it over her nose in a reverse face sit while keeping Kelly trapped in the matchbook pin.
Kelly was finished. I worried that she would rather suffocate in that awful position than admit defeat to the woman she hated so much. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case.
“Stop, I give,” came from Kelly’s muffled voice.
“Who’s your owner?” Asked Paula.
“You are,” Kelly managed to gasp.
Paula slid her rump back above Kelly’s head allowing her victim to breath but with the matchbook pin still locked locked in place.
“Let me up you fucking bitch,” Kelly grunted.
“Kelly,” Paula began in a soft voice. “I am your owner. But I’m a benevolent owner. The Goddess is also benevolent. You have so much anger, so much hatred, so much bitterness. It will eat and destroy you. Like a house infected with termites. Let me help you.”
Paula responded to the insubordination by smashing a hammer blow to Kelly’s vulnerable thigh. “Kelly, please be quiet and listen. You need to get rid of all the negativity. Let me help you restore your lost balance. Let me help you get back into harmony with the Goddess, the mother of us all.”
As she was speaking, her hands were actually massaging my wife’s thighs, stroking, caressing and kneading the muscles . “Just relax and breathe. The first step is to release power and energy.” Gradually, Paula’s fingers worked their way into stroking the inner thighs. “You see, anger and bitterness are like sexual energy. They build up inside. We need to release them.” The fingers by now were lightly running along the outer labia. “That’s it. Let’s let it out.”
Paula continued her caressing, slowly moving to the inner lips in a circular motion. “You know you want to change. You don’t want to live like this. You know you don’t really hate me. What did all that anger and hate do for you except rob you?” Her finger carefully stroked Kelly’s clit. “The time is come,” said Paula, “to be made whole, to start new, to purge all the bad things.” The clit stroking intensified. “That’s it. I can feel you. This is what you want.”
“Come on, girl. It’s all so good. Don’t fight it. You want this,” said Paula as she inserted a finger into the woman she just fought. “Come on, come on, let the Goddess embrace and overtake you. Feel her light.” The finger thrusted in and out.
Two fingers. “The time is getting closer. Come on, come on, come on. This is just the start of your new journey.” The thrusting escalated in speed and force.
Before today, I would have stopped this procedure. Nothing was said about this activity being a part of stakes. Now, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know the state of my marriage. I see my wife’s pink female flesh and a woman working it, talking about shit that sounds like witchcraft. As I looked at my wife’s womanhood, I’m reminded that Derek, Jose, and Ahmed had recently been there. Maybe all this talk of a new start couldn’t hurt. I just froze and watched in some kind of hypnotic state. And Kelly wasn’t complaining.
Indeed, judging by her swollen organ, she was responding to it. I could hear her moans, though faint, like she was trying to conceal them. As Paula thrusted harder, I noticed Kelly’s pelvis rocking in rhythm as much as Paula allowed.
“Come on, come on, come on. That’s it. Let it all loose.” I saw Kelly’s thighs twitching involuntarily, her moans became louder, the breathing faster.
“That’s it. That’s it. I feel you. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let it go. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. It’s your time. Come on. Come on. Let it out…Come on,” her voice becoming louder and more frenzied. IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON, COME ON! COME ON! NOW! …
My eyes looked away for a few seconds. Then I saw the confirmation of the climax. There was the familiar total body shuddering. The fluid spilled over her crotch and butt, running down her hips, dripping onto the ground below.
“That’s it,” said Paula. “Let the juices return to the earth, that symbol of feminine power. It came from the Goddess, her gift to us. As a token of gratitude, we offer this back to her.”
With that said, Paula released my wife, lifting herself off of her. Kelly’s legs returned to their normal position as she lied on her back on the grassy ground.
I felt emotionless. I was amazed how detached the whole insane event seemed. It was if I was watching strangers or characters in a film.
“Now, let’s finish the cleansing,” Paula said, “Jim, will you help me?”
Bringing rope and a six foot wooden pole to their prey, the hunters went to work. The pole, eight inches in diameter, called a hunting sketch, had been used by hunters for millennia to carry game. Kelly, still shuddering from aftershocks, was rolled to her side. Her arms and legs were wrapped around the pole, as Paula tied her wrists together while Jim bound her ankles.
With each one holding opposite ends, the couple lifted up the pole horizontally and in the process, lifted Kelly, her back facing the ground, her arms and legs extended up toward the sky with the hands and feet tied around the pole. Her neck was extended, the hair, now straight, pointed downward to the ground. Paula hoisted her end of the pole to her shoulder as Jim held his at chest level. I followed behind the hunter and huntress, with their prey tied to a pole, as we commenced the procession fifty yards, returning to the lodge.
“Henry, we’ll have you wait in the guest room, while Jim and I set the table,” said Paula. “It will be about thirty minutes.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll have her cleaned up and prepared.”
I watched the couple take my possibly soon to be ex-wife around to the back kitchen door. I showered and changed into slacks and a sports shirt. I feared being left alone with my thoughts, but it was unavoidable. Broken relationships often fall into that grey zone where you’re still together – but your not. So many unpleasant questions. When do I confront her? Do I even want reconciliation? What if she decides she’s done with me? The thirty minutes dragged on very slowly.
“Henry, can you come this way?” Paula called as she tapped on the door. Entering the dining hall was an assault on the senses. The majestic paintings, lit chandelier, hearth, and ornamented medieval styled table were a sight to behold. The sumptuous aroma of roasted pork permeated the entire lodge. The table held several stylish bowls and dishes containing baguettes, honey mustard eggs, ham pottage, Wensleydale cheese, strawberry salad, sliced eel, roasted duck, and of course, pork. The centerpiece of the table was a three foot long silver serving dish covered by an eighteen inch tall lid.
I was shocked at Paula and Jim’s dinner attire – grey hooded robes. “Uh…are you guys…witches?” I nervously asked.
“Oh goodness, no,” Paula laughed.
“We prefer the term ‘pagan’,” Jim added as he poured wine into my goblet. “Please sit down.”
I noted only three place settings. “Uh…where’s Kelly.”
Jim made a downward motion with his eyes. I looked. Underneath the table, at the end, away from the diners, lied Kelly on her side, still naked and tied in accordance with the agreed upon stakes. The carrying pole had been removed. I could only see her hunched back and bare ass.
At both ends of the table were bowls with some sort of burning herb. The aroma was clearly herbal, but not marijuana, and with a minty tinge. “That’s sage,” Paula explained. “It clears the atmosphere of all negative energy. Native Americans have been using it for centuries.”
“Henry,” Paula continued, “Let me explain what is happening. Kelly represents the wild hog that is to be sacrificed tonight. Except, it’s not really Kelly, it’s the wild boar within her, the source of her anger, bitterness, unhappiness. It will all go away. The Goddess brought you here for a reason. You will leave here with a new wife.”
I tried hard not to roll my eyes. My new wife can’t be more miserable than my present one, I thought.
“And now,” Paula started, “May we now present the sacrifice to the Goddess, the source of our life and sustenance.” As she finished those words, Paula lifted the tall cover off the serving tray.
What I saw next almost defies words. In the center of the tray was the horrifying three dimensional life size holographic image of….Kelly’s head! The hair was reorganized back into a bun. The empty eyes stared straight ahead. Her lower jaw was wide open to accommodate an apple wedged into her mouth. Garnished with rosemary and bay leaves, the head was surrounded by a spread of pineapples, grapes, cheeses, and honey mustard.
As shocked and stunned as I was, I was still frozen in a strange state of detachment.
“You see, Henry,” Paula spoke softly, “Think of this as a new start for you and Kelly. The Goddess will grant you love for each other like you’ve never before experienced. Blessed be, Henry.”
What I wanted to say was, “You’re all nuts! Paula, Jim, Kelly, YOU’RE ALL FUCKING NUTS! But I won’t say it. Not now. All I know is I must have the talk with Kelly. I will need to make an extremely difficult decision. With all that has happened today, I cannot process anything. To quote Scarlett O’Hara, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” For now, I take a bite of the meat placed in front of me.
“Great pork, Jim,” I said, “When do we go hunting again?”
Dazed and Confused
-lyrics by Jake Holmes, performed by Led Zeppelin
Your Cheatin Heart
-written and performed by Hank Williams Sr.